Mull
ings
“Poor soul, you were just too high strung.”
-Doc Holliday to Johnny Ringo in Tombstone
I think we all probably feel that we could relax more or be a little less high strung. I know that if I am being honest, I feel this way about myself at least once a week. I, like others, find myself getting worked up over any little road block or bump that shows up during the day. I don’t think any of us want to end up like a Johnny Ringo and be high strung all the time. But, being able to release stress is easier said than done. Being able to say to oneself “Don’t get worked up when something is out of my control” is easy to say but putting into action is the trick. We all seem to want to be in control of so many situations in both our professional and personal lives. And we get mad when things do not go smoothly (or another way of saying not the way we want!). We want situations to go our way and when they don’t we wonder what we did wrong or why the world hates us.
We seem to give the situations that we cannot control so much power over our moods and how we will then carry ourselves further into the day. If we can stop giving this power away to situations in our lives that we cannot control we will be able to focus on the things in life we can control. I have recently started a technique to help with this stress-trap that we fall into. This technique involves pausing before we react to situation when they come up and asking “Am I in control of this situation?”. The point here being that we draw attention to the fact that we come across situations that are largely out of our control during our lives and knowing that is step one. If it is out of our control then there is no reason to get stressed out. If we are in control of whatever the situation is then we can work towards changing it. In other words as people have put it before: go with the flow. We know that certain things are out of our control: the way people act or treat us; ever changing customer service issues at work; traffic jams; our favorite shop being closed.
If we can stop reacting impulsively without being mindful of the amount of control we have on a situation we can move toward a less stressful life. I like to think of the things that we can not control as objects that are in my hand that I can just let fall away as I release them. It is a weak metaphor but it helps me feel like I have gained power over the situations that I would normally allow myself to be swept up in. I do not think that we should be complacent towards situations, just that we should be honest about what we can have some control over and what we cannot. We can change the way we react to any situation, though it may take time and a lot of hard work to reach that point. Just pause, take a breathe and ask: “Can I control what is happening?’’. You may be surprised how enlightening that simple question could be.
Embrace It
We must embrace every aspect of our being to find freedom. Often, we try to hide away from the situations and times that are uncomfortable. We use materials like food, the Internet, movies, or books to remove ourselves from circumstances. Not to say that these things are not good and have a place in our lives, but they must be undertaken with care and mindfulness. I am finding out that down in the uncomfortable times there is greater opportunity to enlighten our perspectives and knowledge.
We must move towards living every moment for that moment and not get lost in memories of past or possible future events. It can however be difficult to always want to be where we are in life. But, there is the problem: the word want. The everyday situations are not always going to be what we want. To come to an understanding of this is a great accomplishment, and something that is hard to keep in mind while what we want is not happening. It is scary, however, to release the idea of being able to control the situations that are happening or might happen to us.
The medicine for this is being present and mindful of the moment as our actions within it are the only thing we can sometimes control. Life happens only during this very moment, so why waste it? We must open our hearts to everything in this moment even if it is not what we want, for it is all that there is.
Ally
The dimly lit bar of a private room is
buzzing with casual conversations
Warmly dressed coworkers and strangers
enjoy an evening spent spiritedly together
Looking back across the room I see
familiar faces of folks I consider friends
I turn my back to the ones I had shared
a holiday dinner with, holding a thin glass
I am one beer and two petite glasses
of champagne into my night
My bartender is a pretty young woman
whom I smile at as I sip my bubbly drink
A whole bottles worth of champagne glasses
would show on my tab as of right now
Sharing has always been my favorite part
of drinking with other people around
I hear him come into the private room
from the elevator hallway behind me
Loud laughing escapes from his small group
as they seem to have started partying early
His touch is on my right shoulder as
I smell his words as they utter my name
I know that he is further into his night
than I am mine now with certainty
He tells me that he wants to talk and
that his wife had encouraged him to
This slurred confession causes my brow
to furrow as I grip my glass more tightly
A serious sounding start to a conversation
should have its participants equally sober
The whole shop at work talks about you
he says to me while lightly leaning in
I close my eyes and catch my breath
like a knife edge nightmare knee-jerk
They say: he doesn't have a girlfriend or
talk about guy things with the rest of us
​
Leaning in does not matter as drunken
words are heaved haphazardly here tonight
They say: does he like women or is he...
I am not sure I am hearing properly
This conversation is supposed to go
differently for me in my adult life now
​
I am the one that comes out to others
not called out like high school bullshit
My whole being flushes as the me-
shaped hole in my closet is left bare
It is left bare before this man now
who is still stumbling statements together
What is the reason for starting this talk
in the first place, my mind and will scream
His words are: too loud... to true...
too loud... too loud... please just quieter
I am looking around the room restlessly
realizing that I am seeing no one honestly
His words are: too loud still... blurring
together - gay.. everyone talking... gay...
Remembering how it feels to be called faggot
is connected to memories of body punches
Haunted hostile hands are replaced quickly
as I hear soft, safe, sure, and new words
His words are: the first I know I clearly catch
"I got your back if anyone has a problem"
He orders Jager bombs for us as I
exhale for the first time in five minutes
We look at each other and take shots as if
sealing a new understanding between us
He casually moves away to begin other
interactions while I whisper a thank you
I am one beer, three glasses of champagne,
one Jager bomb, and one new straight ally into my night...
Next to Perform
I walk onto the stage
many lights blinding
people all watching
my breath quickens
sweaty palms glisten
and the dance begins
emotionless and plain
persuasive and practiced
it continues with no end
I falter but catch myself
falling risks exposure
revealing a life, untrue
safe again in my dance
I perform for all to see
a fine dance to their eyes
I stumble in my own mind
the tears flow forth now
not for the audience to see
Phone Call 2023
Wednesday, December 13th, 2023 at 1:47pm my phone rings. It is mom (Shernin) on the other end and I know that she has been at the UVA emergency room since early that day. She is calling and it is during work hours so I know something is wrong. I step out of the office and into the cool afternoon air. I answer softly and mom asks if Seth is around and can we go into a room alone. I turn abruptly and walk back into the office and curtly ask Seth to follow me into his private office and close the door. I put the speaker on and tell mom that Seth and I are here. Mom speaks and dad is in the background. Cancer. They found cancer and need to do more test to check for more cancer. I am not sure that I want to be sharing this moment, but I am sure that if Seth wasn't there I would have ripped in two. I will never forget my mom telling Seth to be patient with me and allow me to go outside and scream if I need to. Seth needs to be told to be patient like I need a kick to the head. We finish a brief call with mom and dad. They are coming home tonight and will continue tests closer to home and family.
Untitled
The grief was very heavy this past week. Drives to and from work, just wanting to talk to Mom about life and what was going on in it. She became such a wonderful friend to me in my adult life, and I always loved sharing how things were going. From the bad, the great and everything in between, she would always listen to how life had been.
Yesterday was the first Farmville Pride social meeting I had attended since your death and I always loved telling you how well it went despite your sons' social anxiety about it. I miss you and our Farmville Pride mom, Dot, so freakin much. Here's to you both and the many lives you touched. A beer for the two of you, outside the Brewery where we would stand and talk.